Yelling at children doesn’t really achieve anything positive in the long term, so it’s best to save the yelling for something happy, or to warn them of danger. Yelling might seem to work in the immediate short term, but if you’re doing it all the time, you’re going to end up with a child that fears you.
So how do you stay calm on the outside when you’re screaming on the inside? Take a deep breath, exhale, and give these tips a try:
1. Breathe and be kind
Have you noticed that yelling at children to calm down rarely achieves that effect? It’s easy to forget that toddlers are still developing their verbal skills, vocabulary, emotions and behaviour, all of which we take for granted with older children (and adults).
Don’t forget that you are your child’s role model, and that emotions are contagious, so when your child sees you losing your calm and melting down, they are more likely to run amuck too. Yelling only increases fear and anxiety, making things worse.
But when your child sees you speaking and behaving calmly, they’ll also catch your calm and cooperate more willingly. As a parent, you are responsible for providing children with physical and emotional safety, and that includes managing your own emotions so that your child feels safe around you, not threatened and high on negative energy.
2 Don’t get furious, get curious
Shouting and yelling aren’t real forms of communication; they just undermine a parent’s authority and result in children immediately shutting down and tuning out. It’s vital to connect with your child first, and correct later. But it can take a whole lot of self-control to pause and not yell, so that you can understand what happened rather than start yelling.
As with oxygen masks on an aeroplane, you have to get yourself calm first before you can help your child. Get your child’s attention by crouching down to their height, lowering your voice and speaking softly. Understand why your child is acting up; the teaching moment can come later, and it’s way more effective when you’re both calmer.
3. Know your triggers
Yelling is often more about us and our behaviour than the misbehaving child. We often blame our children for our outbursts and convince ourselves that it’s because they don’t listen, are disrespectful or just really misbehaving.
But yelling doesn’t happen out of the blue; it’s usually an angry response to a frustrating trigger or specific behaviour. Often, it’s an outward manifestation of our own unmet needs and frustrations, so if you can figure out what triggers you, then you have a greater chance of avoiding yelling.
Parenting is challenging, making you run the whole gamut of emotions from fear and anger to panic and feeling vulnerable – but it is not okay to take those feelings out on your child and behave badly yourself. The challenge here is to be more self-aware about what sets you off, and then to take control of your behaviour without crashing, burning and yelling.
4. Give fair warning
It’s fair to give your child a heads-up or a warning if they aren’t heeding something, for example, sticking to bedtime. Say something like, “You’re not listening to me, and I don’t want to yell to get your attention”, or “Five more minutes and then it’s bedtime”, will work better than yelling at them to go to bed straight away.
5. Flush your anger down the toilet – literally
How to Capture a Mom/Rad’s Hairy Dealing with Drama
When the chaos hits and you’re ready to lose your cool, it’s a good idea to take a quick break—not a “take a hit” but a real pause. The trick? Yell into the toilet bowl and then flush the noise away. It’s a bit like soundproofing your own vents. Then sprint out of the room, grab a cup of coffee, and give yourself a few minutes to chill. It helps calm the furnace inside you and gives you a chance to practice self‑control.
Why “Do It This” Works
- It’s a room‑wide reset—you’re not screaming at a child or a much‑ruinous louder mix of your spouse and the internet. You’re just taking a selfish minute to breathe.
- Stress drums down—the more you remove the immediate shout, the less you’re stuck in a feedback loop of aggression.
- It feels rebellious—yelling… into a toilet? That’s a childhood prank turned parental strategy!
Got a Minute?
Try this: 1. Take a physical “time‑out” – be it stepping into the kitchen, the parking lot, or even the bathroom with the toilet. 2. Not only that, you can add some exercise or deep‑breath mindfulness. That’s like a workout for your inner voice, letting tension escape or get stored somewhere safe.
Bottom line
So next time the flips in the house feel like a volcano ready to erupt, remember you can (a) shout into the toilet, (b) flush it, (c) step out, and (d) chase a breath or a short walk. That’s the fastest way to keep the stress on standby while you’re left for a bit to reset, and then get back to the fun of parenting with more ease and less yelling.
6. Children will be children
Expect childish, immature behaviour from childish, immature children! That’s their “job”. They aren’t deliberating trying to make you mad; they are just behaving as normal kids do, pulling age-appropriate mischief as they go along.
What makes us yell are the parenting ideals and expectations we set for ourselves, wanting things to be a particular way, and ignoring the obvious caveats. A toddler’s prefrontal cortex is still not fully developed, so they’re running more on emotions than logic as they explore their way around the world, and learn how things work.
So, while more empathy and respect from you will make them more cooperative, you can still totally expect lots of childish behaviour too.
7. Adjust your expectations
As mentioned in above, keeping expectations realistic is key when you have (little) kids. Not having high expectations will keep you from feeling like a parenting failure and also put less strain on your parent-child relationship if you both can be more relaxed around each other.
8. Apologise for your bad behaviour too
Cool‑Down Tips for Parents Who Can’t Hit the Pause Button
You’ve tried holding your storm inside, but the heat leaked out anyway. No worries—every proud parent has been there. What matters is how you turn that mighty roar into a useful lesson for your little one.
Why an Apology Matters (Even When You’re Exhausted)
- Model the “sorry, not “ugh!” routine. – Children learn by watching. When you say “I’m sorry for shouting,” you’re telling them that angry outbursts aren’t off‑limits.
- Creates a safe space to talk. Once you’ve admitted the slip‑up, your kid can discuss what was bothering you—without feeling like they’re the cause.
- Shows the chain reaction of emotions: frustration leads to yelling, and yelling must be corrected with a quiet ”I’m sorry.”
How to Deliver the Apology Like a Pro
- Take the momentary pause. Drop the phone, take three deep breaths, and make eye contact.
- Use a simple “I’m sorry”. No need for a Shakespearean sonnet; a straightforward “I apologize for yelling” does the job.
- Explain the why. “I was upset because I missed a deadline, and that made me shout.” Keep it short—kids love concise stories.
- Invite discussion: “What could we do next time if a situation gets flooded?” Let your child propose solutions.
Turn Anger Into a Teaching Moment
Once the apology is out, you can roll it into a brief, engaging lesson:
- Ask, “What are some signs that you’re getting angry?” Your child might spot the clenched fists or the trembling voice.
- Practice quick, calming breathing: “Let’s draw a big, slow sigh together.”
- Celebrate small victories: “Great job staying calm when the cookie jar was almost empty; you’re a superhero!”
Bottom line: Apologizing for your own missteps teaches humility, empathy, and the value of calm communication. Your little one sees that even grown‑ups can mess up, and you can still keep it all together.
—This reimagined piece originally appeared on Wonderwall.sg. Feel free to share the peace!
